In college I took a class called "Marriage, Dating, and Divorce." It was an elective to satisfy some of my Sociology credit requirements, and I thought it might teach me some helpful information for the future. Among the handy bits of knowledge about communication, safe sex, and major stressors in marriage, were the red flags to watch for in abusive partners.
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Hair-trigger temper or mood swings
- Hacking your email or checking your phone without permission
- Playing to your own insecurities and pointing out your flaws
- Extreme jealousy or insecurity
- Making false accusations
- Possessiveness
- Telling you what to do, how to do it, and when to do it
- Expressing disappointment when you don't live up to their expectations
- Repeatedly pressuring you to have sex
- Physically hurting you in any way
- Apologizing over and over for the same actions that they keep doing
I am writing this now, because one of our own, Christine Keith of
Adventures of a Thrifty Mama, lost her battle to spousal abuse. Chris was killed on December 5th by her estranged husband. The man she thought would be her other half, the man she at one time trusted and loved more than anyone else, the man she was raising babies with - betrayed her trust and took her life, and that of her 14 year old son.
Lea Grover at
Becoming Super Mommy broke the news to a group of us who have become close through our conversations on Facebook. And as we do when someone needs to vent about life, needs a little back up with the Trolls, or really, truly needs help, we are banding together for a rapid response awareness campaign.
Click the links at the end of this post to read what other people have to say about domestic violence.
As I mentioned, I took this class in college that handed me all the information I needed to be on the look out for an abusive relationship and avoid it. And in college, I had a relationship with so many red flags it could have been part of the text book. The day he almost hit me, was the day I left. And I look back and can't believe it took *that* long to figure things out.
But then again, these abusers, they are wily creatures.
Abusers do not just walk right up and smack you in the face. That would be playing their cards too soon. They woo you. They bring you into their trust. They take advantage of any personal insecurity or emotional hurdle you are facing. They try to control you, own you. They isolate you from your family and friends so you have no one to turn to when they finally show their true colors.
For over a year I was wined and dined, given presents, enthralled with stories of his "heroic past," brought home to meet his parents, and treated like the most important person in the world.
While at the same time, he was pointing out every flaw in every friend I had, including my roommates. He was analyzing their behavior and showing me how clearly it meant they didn't like me, were not my friends, were completely selfish bitches.
He worked his words into my mind when I talked about my mother. He pounced on every story I told about my teen angst and pointed out how horrible my mother was, how I was right to distance myself from her, how not even my sisters were worth my time because they had not stood up for me.
Now - before your imagination starts spinning - I had a rather ideal childhood. I have no sad story to tell. I was not abused. I was not in need of "standing up for" by my sisters. All the typical stories of growing up where one child butts heads with one particular parent - these stories I shared with him were twisted and turned so that I finally spat out one day, "I HATE my mother!"
That was when he had me.
We moved in together. I was spending money I didn't have, on his promise that as soon as he got his first job he could pay off all the debt. We were making plans to spend the rest of our lives together.
But then I graduated a semester before he did. I graduated with more than $14,000 in credit card debt. And I found myself trying to figure out what my next step would be. I certainly couldn't continue working a part time job at a fast food restaurant just waiting for him to propose. So I started changing my focus. It wasn't on him all the time. And I grew closer to one friend who I worked with.
And he started to juggle admirers. I started getting phone calls from some girl looking for him to come help move something in her new apartment. I started blocking her number. I started getting jealous.
Then, I just started letting go. I no longer cared if he saw this girl, I broke up with him, started seeing someone else, and all the while living under the same roof.
It was a bizarre situation to say the least.
But when he continued to try to come into my room at night, and started getting mad at me when I rebuffed him, and he STILL tried to talk about our oh-so-bright-and-sparkly future together, I knew something wasn't quite right with him.
So I started talking.
I told everyone I ran into about his anger, about his behavior, and that I was actually a little concerned about what he might do.
And as he left for class one day, he stopped and said, "You better stop talking. And you better hope that Melissa doesn't hear about anything you have been saying."
I flippantly said, "Oh why? Because she'll come beat me up?"
And he *glared* at me and said very menacingly, "No, *she* won't."
And he left.
And I went to work, and told everyone I could about the conversation. And on my drive home down a windy, country road I was distracted. Trying to decide if I should go straight to the police station and file a report, I had an accident. Out of no where a phone pole came at me, I swerved, I hit a grassy embankment, the car spun off that and slammed backward into another grassy embankment.
Thank God no one else was on the road at the time. Until just a few minutes later when someone came to my aid. I was crying, scared, emotionally all inside out, but not physically hurt. The EMTs who came to the scene convinced me to ride with them to the hospital to get checked out, and on the way, I called my friend.
She met me at the hospital, where I was getting written up by a State Police Officer for reckless driving. She took me to her home for the night, where I finally called my mom.
She showed up the next day, from four hours away, to move me home. I was crying, scared, emotionally all inside out, and I felt somehow like a failure. I had failed at the relationship, I had failed at my first attempt to move on after college, and I failed at being an adult because I was moving back in with my parents. Somehow I thought calling Mom to come rescue me was akin to failing at taking care of myself.
For years I couldn't believe how dumb I was to fall for his lines and not recognize the red flags when I had *just* learned about it in class! For years I berated myself for being in that relationship. It took a long time to realized that I'd been brain-washed by a very clever control-freak who could have done some serious harm.
Abusers never stop. And this guy, continued to hunt me down for more than 10 years after I last saw him - emailing, calling, and claiming he was watching me. He found me at every new job I moved to, and at every new phone number I got. I called the police and the nice officer took a few notes in a tiny little spiral notebook and that was the last I heard of it. No official report was filed, I guess because he didn't want to do the paperwork, or he thought I was over reacting, or - I don't know what.
But it made me feel like I was over reacting, when I *know* I was not. More talk, more open and honest talk about what happens in abusive relationships, and maybe women won't feel like it's their fault, or that they deserve it, or that they are overreacting and it's "not so bad." Maybe more women will be able to get away before it gets deadly.
Unfortunately for Chris, she got away - but he came after her anyway. He killed her, their oldest son, and then himself. To see more of her story, click here:
http://www.wilx.com/news/headlines/Family-Friend-Shocked-But-Not-Surprised-by-Murder-Suicide-234817061.html
If you choose to donate to the fund set up by her church for the three remaining children, click here:
http://www.uulansing.org/2013/12/chris-keith-memorial-fund.html
An address where items for the children can be sent (as the home is a crime scene, the children have nothing but the clothes on their backs- they are a boy, age 8, a girl, age 6, and another boy, age 4:
Keith Children
c/o Ann Merrifield
1504 Wintercrest
East Lansing, MI
48823
If you need help, or know someone who does, here's some information I just found by googling. But as the pop up window from the NDAH indicates, googling may not even be an option for some.
House of Ruth
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline, which has this helpful pop up window, just in case.
"Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224."
If you want to read the rest of the stories in today's domestic violence awareness campaign, click the links below.
